Women - Are We Giving Up Too Much?
Monday, May 18, 2009
A friend of mine, Leslie Bennetts, author of the “The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much” wrote a piece in Elle magazine titled, “The Upstarter Wife” a story about Gigi Levangie Grazer and how she triumphantly approached her divorce, that I feel compelled to write about. Levangie, a very successful women and author approached divorce much differently, I believe than women who quit their careers when they get married or have children. After reading the article, again I am questioning why women sacrifice their financial security for motherhood and wonder whether we are giving up too much? Is the media in part to blame? Does the media only give us one side of the story? Is the dream of the white picket fence so strong that we ignore the reality of the “what if”?
Leslie argues that most women who have quit the labor force to be full time mothers are being lulled into a false sense of complacency about relinquishing their financial autonomy – which I wholeheartedly agree with. The media gives lots of coverage to women who quit the labor force to become full-time mothers, and treat this decision as if it were simply a lifestyle choice. The media never seems to mention the “risks of economic dependency – or the myriad benefits of work.” As a result, Leslie argues that women have been lulled into a dangerous sense of complacency about relinquishing their financial autonomy? Why hasn’t the media or anyone else told the truth about how much these women might be sacrificing—or what the consequences could be?
Levangie Grazer, the author who wrote such books as “Rescue Me” and “The Starter Wife” never dreamed she might meet the fate of one of her characters in her book. However, just before her tenth wedding anniversary, her husband filed for divorce. But unlike some of the characters in her book – those on the other side of 40, divorced and hoping to find another “rich husband before its too late” – Levangie faced divorce with a “thriving career and financial independence.” Her books, as well as Leslie’s are “cautionary tales to young women” to avoid being lulled into the fantasy that the best way to achieve success or status is to marry it.
Since I am a mom and I work, I understand the tough choices women are confronted with, especially when we have children. I respect the decision to stay in the workforce as well as to stay home with the kids full time. Being a mom, I understand how important it is for me to be there when my kids come home from school with yet another trying tale of a lunch room fiasco involving one of their “friends”. I also understand that no one else can provide the moral guidance that I want to impart to my children. Yet, I feel torn because I also understand how important it is - not only to the family but to society that women are involved and have a seat at the table. I feel women bring unique talents and observations to the workplace and that only by being there we will have a way for future generations of women, including my daughter to succeed. I feel pulled to work and pulled to stay home and provide that safety net for my children that they deserve. Yet, I feel pulled to be successful in my own right.
Please tell me how you feel. Do you feel women give up too much financial security when they stay home with their children? Is the pull of the dream so strong that we are lulled into a false sense of security? Do you feel the media is in part to blame?
I think the heart of the problem is the impermanent state of marriages. Way back when, the wife could stay home secure in the knowledge that her husband would bring in the money and they would be together until one of them died. Now, marriages are thrown away when they hit a rough patch. We’re all too selfish.
My husband is the main breadwinner and I run the household, and that’s how it works best for us. And it’s extra incentive to stay together for the long-haul, knowing that without him I’d be broke and without me he’d be helpless.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can’t take the benefits of a situation without giving serious though to the risks. If you’re in a position where you haven’t worked in a decade you damn well better make sure that your marriage is a happy one. I don’t consider that being financially dependent on someone, I consider it making sure that I’m part of a strong team.
Posted by Selfish Mom on 05/18 at 10:20 PM